The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 6, 2011 11:26 am
Last Updated:Nov 7, 2011 2:11 pm
3622 Views
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The Book of the Beast: Special hello to my Peanut edition.
Hello Peanut. I hope you're feeling better and better each day. Daddy CARES!
BEAST OUT
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 6, 2011 10:53 am
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2011 1:25 pm
4010 Views
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The Book of the Beast: The Martha Stewart can suck it! Edition. No...really Martha, you can. You're cute in your own way.
I think I am now the undisputed King of Tuna Salad sammiches. I've been on this diet now (consisting primarily of tuna salad sammiches)for about a month and a half and it's caused me to create a whole new line of tuna salad variations in order to keep me from killing....again.
In order to regain my six pack of youth prior to my 40th birthday, and to be able to proudly wear my homemade Captain America costume in public (That's alotta spandex!), I must however continue this diet for at least 2 more weeks.
I now present to you.... my finest variation yet. It had a very smooth texture. It had a variety of competing yet complimentary flavors, and an almost perfect consistency. Nothing tried to ooze, drip, or slide from between my slices of bread and onto my lap.
3- 12 ounce cans of well drained (I press it) Albacore tuna.
1- 16 ounce tub of deli fresh, mild salsa well drained of liquids. I just want a quick source of finely chopped veggies.
1- 7 ounce jar of roasted red peppers finely chopped.
8 ounces of spinach dip. More veggie goodness and oh so creamy.
1 small onion finely chopped.
Just enough Smart Balance Omega Plus mayonnaise to finish blending it all together. The spinach dip was ALMOST enough.
4 ounces Italian 5 cheese shredded blend
Pinch of salt and dash of pepper
Now maybe some of you, my millions of adoring fans, are saying..... eewwwwww. Don't knock it until you try it. I swear it was one of the best tuna salad sammiches I've ever tasted and I'm not just saying that because I made it.
It's a good sized batch and will hopefully get me through the work week.
BEAST OUT Martha...call me
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 6, 2011 8:12 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 4:44 pm
3805 Views
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The Book of the Beast: Bar Bouncer Edition
I just had a little text conversation with a friend and an old story of mine surfaced that I haven't thought of in a long time. I think it's funny though, so I'll share it for anybody willing to read it.
Let me preface this by saying that my older brother used to be a bouncer in several bars in Detroit, Michigan when he was younger. He finally quit for good 1 night when he opened the door to go to work, and a guy fell into his arms with a large knife sticking out of his back. Ray decided that was enough for him.
My 1 and only attempt at becoming a bouncer took place at a bar near the University of Connecticut years ago. I believe it must have been the year 2001 or maybe 2000. I remember the Huskies won a National Championship a week later, so whenever that was.
I had a buddy in the Naval Reserves that would spend his reservist time working with us in our shop in Groton, CT. His name was Doug if I recall correctly.
Doug told me he worked at a bar near UCONN in his civilian life and suggested that I come up 1 night and he could probably get me a job working as a bouncer there.
One Friday, I grab my good friend Mr. Joshua, and we jump in my Jeep and head up to this bar.
We arrived and Doug happened to be working the front door that night, checking IDs and taking cover charges. We walked up and we swapped some light conversation with Doug. He told us to go on inside, have a good time, and he would get me some face time with the owner/manager guy once everything at the door had calmed down for the night.
Mr. Joshua and I went in and took one trip around the dance floor and bar area just to get a lay of the land the way I like to do. I was also taking in as many pretty girls as I could of course. All work and no play makes the Beast a dull critter.
Once we had a feel for the building, we approached the bar and I ordered 2 Coors Lights (This was obviously some time ago when I still drank beer instead of something good). I drank down one beer quickly...or as quickly as I can drink beer, and picked up my second to "enjoy" a bit more slowly.
No longer than that and I heard a noise behind me and a rise in the volume of voices in the bar. I turned casually around and immediately saw two guys coming around a pool table, locked onto each other in a weird, front-facing, double headlock like a couple of mountain goats or something.
I'm still not sure why I did it. Not much thought went into it. I simply put my beer on the bar and walked directly toward these two strangers locked in battle. I guess I had the instincts of a bouncer, if nothing else.
When I reached the two lovers, I bent at the knees enough to get below their centers of gravity and, grabbing a handful of each of their shirts, I rose directly between them and pushed them away from each other as I regained my full height.
The next bit of time was probably no more than 20-30 seconds, but it felt like several minutes at least. I quickly attained tunnel vision and could only see a vague nothingness in front of me as I firmly held these two guys apart as they fougt like crazy to get at each other once again.
My buddy Mr. Joshua would later tell me that for every time I pushed them away from each other, it set up a domino, wave-like effect through the rest of the crowd. I was the eye of the tornado, so to speak.
As quickly as it had started, there was a sudden release of pressure and both of my hands were empty and both combatants apparently dissolved like ghosts on Scooby Doo. I looked around and realized that the hat I had been wearing had fallen off in the scuffle. I saw it on the floor about 5 feet away and began to walk/bend toward it.
Right about then, somebody half tackled, half shoved me from behind toward a door at the end of the bar where my beer was still waiting for me.
I was shoved toward the door and my instinct was to reach out and grab the edges. I grabbed both sides of the door and immediately wedged both of my feet into either side as well. More and more weight began to pile up behind me at that point. The only thing that my mind was telling me was happening, was that 1 of the guys had run through the door and the other was still trying to chase him down and I just happened to still be in the way.
The weight behind me started to suggest that more people had decided to join in the fun. I maintained a slight smile the entire time while thinking "You're not getting by me Mr. Fighty Pants."
At that point...somebody elbowed me in the back of the head. It didn't hurt but it distracted me long enough that my right hand was pulled free from the door jamb and I was shoved into a narrow hallway about 15 feet long with another door in it's righthand wall about 10 feet away.
The hallway being narrow, I simply slapped the palms of my hands against the walls and planted my feet into the corners once again. I had managed to create yet another nearly immovable roadblock. Yay for me.
Nearly immovable....
I was slowly, inch by inch, moved forward down the hall. For one brief moment, I had actually thought of stepping forward quickly, pivoting on my heels, and dropping the first two faces in front of me. I was still having fun with the whole experience though and decided I wasn't going to ruin anyone's dental work.
The mass of weight eventually got me to the second door. A single individual came from my left and kicked the door open. I heard one voice yell "That's it! He's out of here!".
That's when it finally got through my thick, absent minded skull, that these folks pushing me were the bouncing staff and not the original fighters plus friends.
I turned my head backwards enough to get a single face in my field of vision and said "I was stopping that fight....not in it!"
The face just gave me this look that said "Please dude...fucking leave!"
With a single motion, I released both sides of the door and took a lengthy stride forward, leaving them behind.
I waited outside near my Jeep for about 5 minutes until Mr. Joshua stepped out the back door and looked around. I walked up and the first thing I asked was "How many guys were just on me?"
Mr. Joshua started counting on his fingers before simply dropping his hand and saying "All of them".
We walked back around front and Doug was still working the door. He looks at me in surprise and says "What the Hell are you doing back here?" I tell him the story really quick and swear that I had simply been trying to break the two guys inside up before they hurt each other.
A man came walking outside and stood beside Doug with a concerned look on his face. Doug turns to him and says "Hey, this is the guy I was telling you about that would make a good bouncer here." as he points to my grinning face.
The guy looks at me with this, "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" look on his face. I try to tell him my side of the story and ask if I can at least go back inside to get my hat which I never managed to pick up. He sent one of the bouncers in to retrieve it for me.
A week later.... as the Huskies are about to play that championship game, I get a phone call from the manager up there, telling me he could really use the extra muscle for the big game.
I thanked him but turned him down. Way too far to drive for a moonlighting gig.
BEAST OUT
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 6, 2011 7:18 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 7:22 pm
5353 Views
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My sense of humor gets me in trouble Edition:
I just got a nastygram from a woman in Hampton that I left some comical (I thought) comments for below her pictures. I guess my brand of comedy doesn't translate well unless you know me or are right in front of me and can hopefully tell I'm joking.
I was going to go back and try to do the right thing by apologizing in another comment, but she already deleted all of what I wrote.
I wonder if the guys who write "I wanna cum on yer face!" would have gotten the same reaction?
Oh well.... I certainly can't make everybody smile and chuckle. I leave that up to the Blue Collar Comedy guys. Good fun for the entire, boring family.
BEAST OUT
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 6, 2011 4:23 am
Last Updated:Nov 7, 2011 2:14 pm
5524 Views
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The Book of the Beast- Extremely Jealous Edition
Some of your blog pages are fantastic. They have special effects that make mine look like Godzilla VS Mothra compared to The Matrix.
I can't even post a picture without it being twice the size of the actual paragraph I've choked out.
I am new and I will study diligently at the feet of the masters. I will become bloggie Zen....even if I must wash the feet of the Sensei and feed them noodles to get there. Who wants noodles?.....
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 6, 2011 3:50 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 7:25 pm
5776 Views
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The Book of the Beast: Sunday morning - (7 year old already giving me a ration of pure Hell because I won't take him miles away to WaWa for breakfast Edition.)
Need to find my Zen Ninja, so I'm going to jot down a poem I wrote in 10th grade with 10 minutes to spare before class started because I realized I had once again not done my homework.
THEN TO AND END by James M. McOneStrangeBeast
Muscles tense- and then let loose
Quick as death- through oak through spruce
Then Stop
Downwind breeze to sniff the air
Tilt the head and briefly stare
Then Flight
Once again- through bush through weed
Past the river where others feed
Then Fear
A wish to stop- the legs feel weak
A wish to Quit- to lay and sleep
Then Pain
Crash of thunder brings speed to Earth
To end a life and a future birth
Then Quiet
There is no need to try and weep
Finally got the wish- to lay and sleep
Then End
It's been years, but I think I still got everything correct. Now with my Zen Ninja powers restored, I can face my arch nemesis and not strangle him while Malcolm in the Middle blurts comically hilarious lines in my ear.
Have a happy happy, joy joy day everybody.... Ren and Stimpy style!
BEAST OUT
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 5, 2011 5:25 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 7:27 pm
5902 Views
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Language makes me giggle and drip milk down my chin while eating my Honey Nut Cheerios.
You often hear about disgruntled employees. Have you ever met anybody that was gruntled though?
Oh happy day, happy day! I just googleized gruntled and found a quote from my favorite author, Terry Pratchett!
World Wide Words
"Wodehouse invented this sense and has been quoted or flatteringly imitated many times since (as in Men at Arms by Terry Pratchett: “‘No, that man,’ said Angua, ‘[with a] face like someone very disgruntled.’ ‘Oh, that was Captain Vimes. But he’s never been gruntled, I think.’”)"
I just dumped 4 Terry Pratchett novels on a certain sweet lady, hoping to convert yet another fan to Discworld.
I don't have much tonight my millions of adoring fans. I just wanted to drop in and ramble about any old thing before I sleep. It's been a fun filled day with my and I'm tired. He was actually quite well behaved today for a change. Maybe he's feeling sorry for his old man.
I'm looking forward to Monday. I'm hoping several packages arrive on my doorstep so that I can begin cutting, sewing, and arranging my homemade Captain America costume. I'll be wearing it to the premiere of the Avengers movie and maybe signing autographs for in the lobby beforehand. Yes.... I am a super nerd and not ashamed of the fact.
Hopefully Marvel doesn't sue me for impersonating one of their employees.
goodnight in Local Date bloggerland. I hope everybody is happy, healthy, and enjoying this whacky life.
BEAST OUT
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5
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Nov 5, 2011 4:25 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2011 2:38 pm
5827 Views
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My homemade Captain America costume -
I have ordered all of the components I will need to hand make the best Captain America costume ever. I am fairly confident that it will be movie quality by the time I finish it.
If at least 2 people would like to see the work as it progresses along, I will post updates here with pictures and special effects. Pow! ZaaaP!
If nobody is interested....I'll probably just post a couple shots of the finished work.
Take care folks.
BEAST OUT
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5
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Oct 31, 2011 3:21 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 7:27 pm
5878 Views
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The “I like to have fun” crowd.
A good 75% of the people on here describe themselves as “liking to have fun”
Really!?
Get out of here with that talk! You like to have fun too!? I like to have fun as well. We should get together very soon and engage in massive amounts of fun…. Together!
Could there possibly be a more vague, and useless bit of information than, “I like to have fun”? Fun is relative according to my good friend Mr. Einstein, and could range from toad farming to being fucked by clowns, depending on the person.
Let’s all try to be a little more specific with our profiles folks. It’s done wonders for me. I now have millions of adoring fans here at my Beastlie Bloggies. Don’t let the little (2 views) fool you.
We all like to have fun. It’s a given. If we liked to have misery, we’d all be over at ALT DOT Commy.
So until the inevitable day when I stand before you and say “No….seriously, Fuck Me. It will be fun.” – take care of yourselves and be original.
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4
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Book of the Beast
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Posted:Oct 30, 2011 9:54 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 11:53 am
5819 Views
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Holy Smoky Mountains squirrel farts! People are actually reading me! I swear I'm not going to cryyyyyyyyyyyyy so so hap happy
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Book of the Beast
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Posted:Oct 30, 2011 9:42 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 12:00 pm
5728 Views
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THE 1 SENTENCE FIRST IMPRESSION
This is just a small piece of advice to the men out there. I doubt any of them will be reading my Beastly Bloggies, but at least I will have tried.
Men - snicker.... Men,
When you write your single sentence comment, and post it below the picture of whichever woman you happen to be drooling onto your laptop over, TRY SPELL CHECK! Holy Smoky Mountains squirrel farts! If the first impression you make is that you are, in fact, NOT smarter than a fifth grader, you probably won't be gettin them vittles.
Hell - I can string together at least half a dozen sentences and have them maintain some degree of relevance to each other and I still don't get them vittles very often.
"Oahh bab, you the hottness 1 of here site and I lik al night bab - true!"
If that's the initial impression you're leaving the woman of your hot, fevered dreams, I hope you're swinging a 12 inch bat and she's not concerned about talking afterwards.
BEAST OUT!
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The Book of the Beast
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Posted:Oct 30, 2011 6:34 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2011 8:19 pm
5955 Views
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I've never blogged before. Will it hurt?
SOCKS
My first entry is going to be about socks. I know, I know, you're overcome with excitement already!
Guys.... socks! Take them the ever lovin heck off when you're having sex on camera. What is it about guys refusing to remove their socks before sex. You look absolutely silly banging away ungracefully as it is. The socks do nothing to improve upon that status.
I'll give women a pass sometimes because they can even wear shoes to bed and somehow make it look sexy.
While I'm on the issue of clothing.... shirts! Guys....shirts! Take them the ever lovin heck off while your wife or girlfriend is being kind enough to suck your cock on camera. What is this whole deal with taking your pants off but having to hold your shirt out of a woman's face the whole time she's playing with your meat and two vegetables?
OK....I don't even know if I set this blog thingie up correctly, so I'm not going to write 15 pages worth of material just to see that it didn't actually appear anywhere remotely near my profile.
Love, peace, and hair grease people. Beast out!
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To link to this blog (OneStrangeBeast) use [blog OneStrangeBeast] in your messages.
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